Pieces of me Part 2

There is a video of us clowning playing beer pong and in the background you can hear him tell me that he loved me and I was absolutely oblivious to it. I didn’t hear him until one of my friends showed me and asked me to listen very closely and there it was…”I love you.” He was my friend, my brother, in the FRIEND ZONE. There were times that we flirted but for me it wasn’t anything serious. He wasn’t my type and he was my friend. Until about October or September…..I had a crush on him. I was listening to his favorite band in my car and all I could do was smile! I would think of him and ALL of the funny things that we did together and I would just laugh in my car……by myself. HA HA HA! I left it alone because he was my friend and push the feelings aside and moved on. He started dating someone and I got jealous and I didn’t like it but let it go because he was my friend…I blamed it on me wanting to look out for him….come one lets get real. Well that didn’t last very long and I also let my feelings go yet again…….until January for New Years I had no one to kiss and neither did he and I asked him to be my kissy face buddy and we kissed. Just a light tap on the lips and I was shocked and told him that I was that he didn’t try to kiss me with some…uh hmm action! Well, he did and that was a wrap from there. I felt the sparks, the magic and I really couldn’t get in my car and not smile when his songs came on. I thought of him and there were flutterbyes. He made me laugh and I could seriously no joke be the idiot crazy lady that I always hid inside. He made me feel beautiful ALL the time and still does to this day.

He had me, his girl. He got what he had patiently waited for but don’t get me wrong I was broken, I was still a mess and we had a long way to go before we got to where we are now. I know his love is true, he taught me what love is. He does little things for me, he sings to me, he looks at me with pure love in his eyes. He rubs his fingers lightly down my back because it relaxes me, he wrestles with me and pins me down to kiss me. He cooks me breakfast, he loves my son from my first marriage, he is honest, loving, kind, patient. All of these things that go back to 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 he IS all of that. My husband is love, he is the meaning of it and from him I learn every day. I make mistakes and he doesn’t hold them against me just loves me. He makes me laugh and I miss him like a loca when he is gone. I am a mess when he is not around but I love it when he is gone ha ha GIRL time hello!!! I don’t get a lot of that in a house surrounded with boys ha ha. I am the woman that I am because of him, I don’t have to be strong, I don’t have to hold it all in, he brings out my best not my worst. God blessed me with him because I am sure He needed me to see love for what it truly is. God made him for me and He made me for him and I praise my God every day and thank Him for the love that He brought to my life.

Between my husband and my sons I have experienced love first hand. I know that speaking about emotions is a good thing and one that we as humans should do often. I also want my children to speak to me freely about how they feel no matter what because it is good for the soul. Violence is not the answer and me being abused in my marriage and in my childhood was bad but I have forgiven and in my marriage I was also abusive.

I never want to go back and be that person so full of pain, anger, resentment, fear, and have a lack of control. I want to really be the good that I see in the world which is why I have gotten my degree, I have lost the weight and I am slowly getting rid of bad habits. I want to be able to practice what I preach to people that I encounter daily.  I want to spend time with my children and play with them. I want to be able to be a good role model for them and having the positive life that I have now will be so much easier for me to show them that. I am in love with love, love of all things and I want to exude that to the world. This is why I write, this is why I give advice. I want to inspire. I want to use this blog to do that even if it is just for one person 

A piece of me......Part 1

I often go back and recall how in a few simple months my life took a turn for the best and reflect on the things that weren’t so great and how I got to live the best life for me. I never forget my struggles because they opened the door to who I am now.

You see I had this problem, I was abused as a kid physically which led to a marriage where violence and name calling was the answer to be heard. I lived in a family that didn’t speak about emotions; anger was the only thing to show. I didn’t understand love, or understand the fact that I could talk about how I felt, or that I had a voice that could be heard.

I grew up in a strict household with parents that were raised strict themselves. That bled onto their parenting style and it kind of is in me too. I prefer to think that I took the things that I liked and made them mine in my own way. I “ran” away from home and went into the military life; it was kind of like living with my parents. I had a home, they fed me, they gave me an allowance, the difference was, I had freedom to do whatever I wanted. Since I wasn’t taught what to do with that freedom I went FREE, totally absolutely free. I made mistakes but didn’t learn from them and kept making them not realizing they were mistakes.

I met him, the one that I thought was the “love of my life”. We went into a whirlwind romance. It was long distance, when we saw each other it was lustful and we went with it. We got married after being together for three short months. My Dad warned me about getting married too soon but I knew what I was doing and no one could tell me otherwise. Had I not been in the military about to be deployed we never would have did it. Oh we thought we were in love but boy was I wrong. We had NO clue what that meant. For me, I can say that I didn’t really know how to love or even had a clue as to what that meant. I fell in love later but I was totally in lust in the beginning. We married, had a baby, realized we were too young, and tried to make it work and were resentful that it didn’t and we didn’t want to get out but we did and didn’t know how. It was the end and the last year was an ugly one. One year that I prefer to leave in the past but, I know that it is a true part of me and molded me into the woman that I am today.

I left that relationship knowing better who I didn’t want to be than who I wanted to be as a woman. I fell down a slope of drinking and being someone that I grew to be comfortable with. I was the drinking, partying, flirting woman that just brushed everything under the rug and kept moving forward. I didn’t solve anything I just drank it all away and never dealt with it. It was what it was, it happened for a reason and that was that. I was broken and unable to speak of my true feelings because I didn’t really know how but my pain was uncovered after several drinks of the bottle.

I met my friend…..my best friend….the one who I never saw as more than a friend but the one that would be my husband one day. The man that would show me love and allow me to fly free while waiting there until I came back to him. At the time that is all he was, my friend. He went through every single piece of my divorce and saw everything that I did to cope with just giving up 7 years of my life.   He saw the good, the bad, and the ugly. I can assure you that there was WAY A LOT MUCHO UGLY. Through all of that mess he saw ME. The person that I really am, the one who I am today. He tells me that he had a crush on me the day that we met and that he fell in love with me through our friendship but respected my demented marriage enough to keep his hands, thoughts, and feelings to himself because he knew that one day I would be his........ (To be continued....)

(To be continued)