Fear and Freedom

Inspired is probably the best word to describe how I have been feeling probably for over a year now.

I have met women in person and “met” women online that just are doing it. They are working but they aren’t working. They are living the dream……their dream.

I don’t feel as if I am living that dream. Here I am in a cold state that I have no desire to live in, with a job that is safe, with the intense feeling that I am just getting by. It’s a terrible feeling to feel. You pay rent, you pay the bills, care for the kids, go to work, come home, sleep.

Where is the joy? It’s missing. It’s not that I am not grateful for my home my job security, a guaranteed retirement check and most of all my family. I love my family and I am blessed beyond means but I am seeking happiness at work and I can’t find that. Therefore I feel unfulfilled in this one aspect of my life it bleeds over into the next part. Then I think that if I find something that I love to do and I have meaning with what I spend the most time doing (work) than I would feel more fulfilled. I have several things that I would love to do and at the end of the day what brings me the most joy and satisfaction in this life is helping other people in creative ways. That fuels my fire and it makes me smile even now as I am typing this dream of mine on the page.

 Here’s the problem = I’m safe.

 When the heck did I become safe? When I became a Mom?  After I was left with nothing after my divorce? or was it when I got married again? Somewhere in all that time I have become SAFE? I am an introvert by nature but one that flew off the seats of her pants.

I wasn’t this SAFE person. I got into the Army so that I could travel and see the world. I was leaving the nest and I didn’t ever know when the heck I was going back home. Life of course had other plans for me, I fell in love, made babies, went through a divorce, got married again, and made some more babies. I did get in the Coast Guard, but I did that……..to be safe. It wasn’t supposed to be a forever thing. My ex husband was stationed in Germany and I got the USCG job because I didn’t make it in the highway patrol in FL. I took the next best thing. The easy thing. What I knew……the military but not the branch that I dreamed of when I was in 8^th grade. REVELATION: I am unhappy because I am not living my dream. I am not doing my thing and suddenly, I want to cry about it. Where is the wine?

After my divorce I was supposed to finish my contract and go back to be with my son. I fell in love and got married and now I am living a life where I have to follow the man that I love and live his dream? Hmm that doesn’t sound right but sounds exactly what I am doing isn’t it? I can look back and see that I have done great things and through being married to my husband I have found passions that I may not have found otherwise. I feel almost as if the move that I have made for myself IN MY LIFE is choosing to go into the Army. Isn’t that something? Oh the revelations that are strewn across this screen right now are even surprising to me…..

So back to where I was taking this whole blog post right? The reason that I have not moved is obvious reasons I am married and have kids to take care of. I can make these helpful creative dreams happen with my husband but part of the dream I have is to be settled down in a house that I am going to have forever. One that I can have the grandkids come to and my children look at their room and tell the kids the memories that they had in the very room they are sleeping in when they visit. Life is all about compromise though isn’t it? I’m scared. The thought scares me. The planning and execution of this whole event, this life changing event is unreal. I can think of 5 thousand reasons not to do it but one awesome reason TO do it. That’s happiness.

 I just want to be the author of my story and my life and not just go with the flow of things. I want to be free, happy, travel and make awesome things happen. I want to live a life where I create memories of me and for me with the people that I love. I want to be a weaver of memories for my personal life and I want to have a job that is fulfilling no matter what the hell people think and no matter how crazy I am for leaving the “cush” job for something that I really truly have to work for but that makes me insanely happy right? I want to go back to the person who KNEW that she would do whatever in the world she wanted and not be stopped just because she had a kid and a family. I want to be the girl again that just got up and said I am doing THIS today and actually did it.

 I know that I can be part of that person here and now and I plan on putting that piece into execution. I want to feel whole again and there were points in my life where I felt that way, a point with my kids and before them. I want to truly smile again and laugh and just enjoy being me. I don’t know when my time will be up and if it is soon, I want to be able to look back and leave a legacy that no matter what Jeannette lived a life that was amazing and she was fulfilled in every aspect. God I am crazy but I have a feeling that the closer and closer I get the more I want to be unstuck. Obviously I will have to think things through logically and get my bearings together but I also want to be with no regret.