Insanity.......

SO! I remember posting a few days ago that I gained weight and inches in my upper things. I have a pear shaped body and most of my fat goes in the rear end hips and thighs. Tummy is the second place that all of that crap goes.

I noticed it happening because my shorts were fitting CRAZY tight around my legs. Once upon a time ago I hated the thought of wearing shorts and for that reason alone I got so excited when shorts didn't hug my thighs :) I don't want to buy new clothes, I want to wear the ones that I already have because I spent REALLY good money on my clothes and buying a bigger size than I normally wear for me is being okay with getting bigger and if I go there than I am just going to keep letting these little things compound right?

I just want to make it clear that I don't really care about how much I weigh, I sincerely care about my clothes fitting me and not having to buy a bigger size. Now don't get me wrong I am not a one size fits size. I have to buy a medium sometimes to get a better fit and that is okay with me I just don't want to be the bigger size ALL the time. I understand vanity sizing and all that marketing bologna but I can't stress enough I don't want to get bigger because I was already THERE.

I knew that Body Beast and the way that I was eating was not enough for me or maybe I was truly bulking and that's okay but my thighs got bigger and that is not something I want to compromise LOL. If you are a girl reading this I hope you understand lol.

This is where I started. THIS is where my journey began and THIS is NOT me. My weight doesn't define me but my confidence does and THIS girl is not confident. THIS girl had issues with her body, with her mind and she was scorned and in pain. This picture shows a girl who at that very moment decided to make a change in her life. SHE was going to be healthy and she was going to look like she once had before because she always said that kids will not stop her from having what she wanted.

Little did I know that I would be here today standing tall and confident and in love with who I am as a person inside and out. I am healthy and I LOVE that what I feel on the inside is showing on the outside. I am taking care of myself in more ways than one. This was me then and I want to stay where I am now and grow into a more loving and wiser person than I am today I want to keep moving forward and not looking back.

My thighs not fitting into those shorts while it may seem vain and insecure or whatever negative thoughts one would think it truly showed me that I was reverting into a life that I don't want to see again. It may have been my thighs but I was eating poorly, drinking a lot more than a glass or two of wine and it was not going to church. I was sliding backwards in all areas of my life and my body was telling me otherwise. So I started changing things.

I wake up early and pray to God and thank Him for all He has done. I workout and I am now currently doing Insanity and I am in LOVE with it! I also eat better I am writing down what I eat to keep accountable and I am doing my Bible Study and Bible reading everyday.

It is a great Bible study if you are interested in it. There is SO much I want to blog about in the coming days and I am glad that I am off work so that I can share with you all! I can't wait!!!

Forgiveness

Well today I didn't go to church I decided to stay home because the traffic at the Cape was going to be crazy long and I didn't want to spend a few hours commuting back and forth to church so church at home it was. I was listening to Joyce Meyer this morning. I am doing one of her devotionals on my Bible App on my iPad and I was flipping through channels before that and I caught her Battlefield of the Mind Series. I recorded it but later watched it on my ipad as well to get an hour of His Word and teaching this morning. 

 My past isn't something of glamor for a period of my life. I was married to someone and he hurt me physically, emotionally, and verbally. Don't you feel bad for me because I was no saint in that marriage either. Back to the point, I walked away from that marriage defeated, exhausted, and ANGRY. Oh man was I am angry ugly ugly human being. I got into counseling and that helped me to a degree but I needed more so long story short to a few months ago when I was talking to my Senior Chief about how I was doing. We got into the topic of B and I broke down and started crying and the angry ugly Jeannette came out (I was trying to walk in my walk with God so I was a "baby" again). I came out and my Senior Chief told me that I needed to forgive him. HA NO FREAKING WAY HE HURT ME, HE TOOK B AWAY FROM ME, HE ABUUUUUSED ME! ME ME ME ME ME! Here I am married to another man with another child and still living through those dark years of my life. I didn't know how to forgive I didn't know what spiritually that MEANT. Ok I can say I forgive him Jesus can we be done yet? (NOPE) 

 This is the part that I was missing......it wasn't about him the bad one, the mean one. It was about me being able to move on and that is what I learned today. I remember driving home from work a few days after I talked to my Senior Chief....God please help me understand what this forgiveness thing is all about because I have no clue. I am so MAD, it was so UGLY. How do I forgive someone that tormented my brain for so many years? Does it mean that I have to talk to him again? WHAT on Earth does that mean? He didn't even say SORRY! I was the bad guy, I was the one who was a bad Mom etc. etc. Low and behold guess what? I got a phone call a few months later right before I moved and it was HIM the evil one, the one that was so mean to ME. He told me that he did things that were not right in our marriage and that he will always care for me because I am B's Mother, and that he was sorry and it was tormenting him too and he was happy but couldn't move on. 

Here we are miles and miles away from each other probably going through the same things in our mind.......it's amazing how he works and how he gave me everything that I wanted and how today I am able to close the chapter and how the anger is just GONE I swear it's disappeared......Life is truly a blessing and it is better to be happy in your walk on this Earth along side God but also to forgive!