I was writing the other day about how pregnancy has changed me and it certainly has. After I wrote that post I started connecting some dots that had to do with my life and what God was doing in it. I need to preface this with some background so you can understand where all this is coming from.
After my divorce I was probably at the lowest point in my life, I had to share custody of my child but really it wasn't shared his father has full custody. I was called very many derogatory things. I was called a bad mother, someone who was promiscuous, a whore, slut all things that I didn't really deserve to be called because the way I had conducted myself as a mother to my child and as a wife was none of those things. Anger and divorce can make you say and be just terrible. Granted, I am no saint and I had a few choice words for my ex as well. ANYWAY I digress.......I felt that because of all of these negative thoughts and viewpoints of me and the way that I had felt about myself (a failure, bad person, tainted) I made it a point to give myself the best life that I could because I was going to prove all of those crappy people see that I AM GOOD. I AM NOT WHO YOU SAY I AM. SO, I cleaned up my act and in the matter of 3 years I got 2 college degrees, got promoted at work, married the man of my dreams, and gave birth to my second child. I was fueled by anger and resentment. It wasn't until 2011 that I received God into my life and I started learning more about Him and I learned first about forgiveness. Once I was able to forgive I was able to see WHY the things that happened to me happened and accepted them as blessings even though they still hurt.
I had succeeded. I was gifted everything that I had wanted in my life and God gave that to me before I had even accepted Him into my life but I was blinded. Long story short I kept doing and doing and doing and was SO focused on DOING and proving them wrong that I lost sight. I had committed to too many things and was just doing things for the sake of doing them. I have to admit that social media has also played a part in my recent do more mentality and I wanted to do things because they worked for other people.
It wasn't until I started to sit down and think and when I posted about what this pregnancy has done for me that everything actually clicked. It was God showing me that I wasn't trusting Him with everything that I was doing and I was trying desperately to get a square to fit in a darn circle. The way that I feel that He speaks to me is through seeing things and showing me things that I read or talk about. Things that when I resonate over my day I know that it was Him that was talking to me. I needed to let all of the other things go and trust that he was going to take care of me. Life wasn't for me to figure out it was for Him to do for me. I didn't have to have two part time jobs, my full time job, and be a mother and wife to be content in this life because life is about pleasing Him and I had no time to nuture my family AND please Him and do what was/is right by HIm. SO, slowly I started letting things go to the side and I feel.........RELIEF. Relief that I have the time that I was seeking and relief that I don't have to have so many obligations in life and that it truly can be simple without having to add MORE to it. I can just be and be happy where I am.
Over the past few weeks I have been reading Bible passages about trusting God. My Joyce Meyer magazine was about trusting God and being bold. Sermon podcasts that I listen to in my car were subsequently about God and MY DEVOTIONAL is now speaking really loud to TRUST God. See all the signs are there I just have to listen. I have to pay attention because it's not like he is just going to jump out and show his face to me like he does in the Bible although, that would be pretty awesome and rather scary actually ha ha.
I don't really know what it is to TRUST God. I mean I know that everything will be ok and that he will take care of me and give me things that he knows that I can handle. I guess maybe that is all that it is. But, does the worry stop? Does the thinking about the future stop or do we just make non-commital plans in life and see what happens? I suppose that my studies will take me further but I am hearing His message loud and clear.
If you have any thing that you could add please do because I sure would love to know exactly what it is that I am supposed to be doing LOL.
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