Pieces of me Part 2

There is a video of us clowning playing beer pong and in the background you can hear him tell me that he loved me and I was absolutely oblivious to it. I didn’t hear him until one of my friends showed me and asked me to listen very closely and there it was…”I love you.” He was my friend, my brother, in the FRIEND ZONE. There were times that we flirted but for me it wasn’t anything serious. He wasn’t my type and he was my friend. Until about October or September…..I had a crush on him. I was listening to his favorite band in my car and all I could do was smile! I would think of him and ALL of the funny things that we did together and I would just laugh in my car……by myself. HA HA HA! I left it alone because he was my friend and push the feelings aside and moved on. He started dating someone and I got jealous and I didn’t like it but let it go because he was my friend…I blamed it on me wanting to look out for him….come one lets get real. Well that didn’t last very long and I also let my feelings go yet again…….until January for New Years I had no one to kiss and neither did he and I asked him to be my kissy face buddy and we kissed. Just a light tap on the lips and I was shocked and told him that I was that he didn’t try to kiss me with some…uh hmm action! Well, he did and that was a wrap from there. I felt the sparks, the magic and I really couldn’t get in my car and not smile when his songs came on. I thought of him and there were flutterbyes. He made me laugh and I could seriously no joke be the idiot crazy lady that I always hid inside. He made me feel beautiful ALL the time and still does to this day.

He had me, his girl. He got what he had patiently waited for but don’t get me wrong I was broken, I was still a mess and we had a long way to go before we got to where we are now. I know his love is true, he taught me what love is. He does little things for me, he sings to me, he looks at me with pure love in his eyes. He rubs his fingers lightly down my back because it relaxes me, he wrestles with me and pins me down to kiss me. He cooks me breakfast, he loves my son from my first marriage, he is honest, loving, kind, patient. All of these things that go back to 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 he IS all of that. My husband is love, he is the meaning of it and from him I learn every day. I make mistakes and he doesn’t hold them against me just loves me. He makes me laugh and I miss him like a loca when he is gone. I am a mess when he is not around but I love it when he is gone ha ha GIRL time hello!!! I don’t get a lot of that in a house surrounded with boys ha ha. I am the woman that I am because of him, I don’t have to be strong, I don’t have to hold it all in, he brings out my best not my worst. God blessed me with him because I am sure He needed me to see love for what it truly is. God made him for me and He made me for him and I praise my God every day and thank Him for the love that He brought to my life.

Between my husband and my sons I have experienced love first hand. I know that speaking about emotions is a good thing and one that we as humans should do often. I also want my children to speak to me freely about how they feel no matter what because it is good for the soul. Violence is not the answer and me being abused in my marriage and in my childhood was bad but I have forgiven and in my marriage I was also abusive.

I never want to go back and be that person so full of pain, anger, resentment, fear, and have a lack of control. I want to really be the good that I see in the world which is why I have gotten my degree, I have lost the weight and I am slowly getting rid of bad habits. I want to be able to practice what I preach to people that I encounter daily.  I want to spend time with my children and play with them. I want to be able to be a good role model for them and having the positive life that I have now will be so much easier for me to show them that. I am in love with love, love of all things and I want to exude that to the world. This is why I write, this is why I give advice. I want to inspire. I want to use this blog to do that even if it is just for one person 

A piece of me......Part 1

I often go back and recall how in a few simple months my life took a turn for the best and reflect on the things that weren’t so great and how I got to live the best life for me. I never forget my struggles because they opened the door to who I am now.

You see I had this problem, I was abused as a kid physically which led to a marriage where violence and name calling was the answer to be heard. I lived in a family that didn’t speak about emotions; anger was the only thing to show. I didn’t understand love, or understand the fact that I could talk about how I felt, or that I had a voice that could be heard.

I grew up in a strict household with parents that were raised strict themselves. That bled onto their parenting style and it kind of is in me too. I prefer to think that I took the things that I liked and made them mine in my own way. I “ran” away from home and went into the military life; it was kind of like living with my parents. I had a home, they fed me, they gave me an allowance, the difference was, I had freedom to do whatever I wanted. Since I wasn’t taught what to do with that freedom I went FREE, totally absolutely free. I made mistakes but didn’t learn from them and kept making them not realizing they were mistakes.

I met him, the one that I thought was the “love of my life”. We went into a whirlwind romance. It was long distance, when we saw each other it was lustful and we went with it. We got married after being together for three short months. My Dad warned me about getting married too soon but I knew what I was doing and no one could tell me otherwise. Had I not been in the military about to be deployed we never would have did it. Oh we thought we were in love but boy was I wrong. We had NO clue what that meant. For me, I can say that I didn’t really know how to love or even had a clue as to what that meant. I fell in love later but I was totally in lust in the beginning. We married, had a baby, realized we were too young, and tried to make it work and were resentful that it didn’t and we didn’t want to get out but we did and didn’t know how. It was the end and the last year was an ugly one. One year that I prefer to leave in the past but, I know that it is a true part of me and molded me into the woman that I am today.

I left that relationship knowing better who I didn’t want to be than who I wanted to be as a woman. I fell down a slope of drinking and being someone that I grew to be comfortable with. I was the drinking, partying, flirting woman that just brushed everything under the rug and kept moving forward. I didn’t solve anything I just drank it all away and never dealt with it. It was what it was, it happened for a reason and that was that. I was broken and unable to speak of my true feelings because I didn’t really know how but my pain was uncovered after several drinks of the bottle.

I met my friend…..my best friend….the one who I never saw as more than a friend but the one that would be my husband one day. The man that would show me love and allow me to fly free while waiting there until I came back to him. At the time that is all he was, my friend. He went through every single piece of my divorce and saw everything that I did to cope with just giving up 7 years of my life.   He saw the good, the bad, and the ugly. I can assure you that there was WAY A LOT MUCHO UGLY. Through all of that mess he saw ME. The person that I really am, the one who I am today. He tells me that he had a crush on me the day that we met and that he fell in love with me through our friendship but respected my demented marriage enough to keep his hands, thoughts, and feelings to himself because he knew that one day I would be his........ (To be continued....)

(To be continued) 

Maintence is HARRRD!

It has happened.....my yucky eating has caught up with me!

UGHHH maintenance is the hardest thing on the face of the planet! It is harder than losing weight. I have been eating like a mad woman because I think that I can because of Body Beast, I am lifting heavy so why not. Ughhh not the case and I was eating without a care in the world.

I can honestly tell you that when I am all alone I eat just fine. I practice what I preach but when my husband is around I get really laxed in my food choices and lately I have been drinking on the weekends more than I ever have (Hello Skinnygirl 700 calories for the whole bottle!). I have been slipping and being careless and the way my jeans and shorts fit have been a reality check. So I have gone on calorie count and started logging my food. I have only been doing it for 2 days but already I can see that I am a salt addict and I need to really watch that. I saw the red flag with the sodium and forgot to check everything else, overall though I have one day where I ate 2700 calories (I KNOW) and yesterday I ate 1700 calories but seeing that journaling my food choices has really kept me in check. I think twice about what I eat and since I have that on my shoulder I will be fitting into my jeans in no time. I will try to post pictures of what I have been eating to help keep accountable. If you have Instagram you can follow me @prettynena :)

I have stopped with Body Beast for now....my thighs are busing out of my clothes and I gained an inch on them mainly because of eating I am sure but.....not the kind of look I am going for ladies. The more workouts I do the more aware of what body type I am aiming for and while Body Beast is an amazing program it is for bulking so even though I am more toned looking my thighs got big and it made me sad so I stopped, maybe it's just my eating and it made me gain I don't know but I don't want to find out.

I am now doing Insanity with Brazil Butt Lift. What I am doing is taking High and Tight and BUM BUM and rotating the two, 4 days a week with the regular Insanity Schedule.

My B will be coming home in less than a week and I couldn't be more excited. I have a ton of fun free things for us to do that will still be able to create memories but on a budget ha ha! My Boogie Boo is totally excited to have his brother in town....our daycare money will be thrown away this month because he is more than likely going to stay home to hang out with his brother and I guess....I am okay with that even though it is a LOT of money! Ha ha ha!

July is going to be busy and it is going to bleed into August where I will be going to San Diego for a friend's wedding. I can't wait to post pictures about that and tell you about how it went!

Until next time!

Love......?

Love.......

It's been playing a huge part in my life since Sunday......I was thinking about it last night and maybe it is a word that should be used more often. Sometimes we know that we love people and we don't say it. I know I have held back from telling people that I love them because it is too soon or we are just friends and that’s just weird. Maybe it is a word that we can throw around a little bit more freely.

In 1 Cor 13: 1-8 it talks so much about love and it is something that we have in our hearts. Love teaches us many things and through love more things are possible. That's what I see anyway.

I was running yesterday and all I could think about was this message from Joyce and wondering why the heck it struck me so much. I think it did because LOVE is what is happening in my life right now. It's in the love of friends and family.

I have a son with my ex-husband who now lives with him and his new wife. At first this was hard for me, not because he has moved on but because my son was going to be influenced by a woman whom I had NO idea who she was. Then, I got the heartbreaking news that he started to call her Mom......that stung really bad and I held resentment towards her because of it and it only increased my anger at my ex for allowing this! I was appalled and disgusted and super super angry. I was also at a point in my life where everything made me angry and I had not accepted God into my heart yet, I was this torn, ugly, rude, ridiculous person that I don't even recognize today.

So, needless to say that over time I got over it and we met one day (can we say awkward!) but I cried like a big fat baby and told her that I was once upset about it but I thanked her for loving my son and appreciated all the she has done for him. This is where things started......she was building a relationship with my parents and my sister and now we are building one ourselves. Things are changing in my life.

Where I once thought that the families should be divided because my ex and I were. Now I realize that it doesn't need to be that way and we can all be nice and loving toward one another. That doesn't mean that we are all going to be best friends but we all respect each other enough to know our places and can all come together because we ALL LOVE my son. Through him we will all learn to love each other and that makes me smile.  To know that we are not "normal" and that we are happy and we can come together for the love that we all share for this child is amazing and I am proud to say that they are all my family too. Love is a powerful thing SO powerful if you just learn to let go and use it more freely, I now have a bigger bunch of people to call family which I accept with open arms. The road that was traveled to get here was not easy (I can only speak for myself). It was hard to accept and not at all easy to forgive and forget the past to start over. I did it with the help of my God, the one who is leading the way in my life that I am slowly letting go of and giving to Him.

Love has the power to conquer anything and through God there is love. So much you seriously won't know what to do with it. Positivity comes from it and you will exude a light that only God can give you. He is LOVE!

Thank you Jesus for the life that you have blessed me with and seeing me through it and silently affirming that it will all be okay. I knew through you that this day would come and I am so thankful for it! Praises to my God!

My little revelation......

Yesterday I was listening to Joyce Meyer on my computer because I didn't go to church. I had to work yesterday afternoon and my husband had to finish his motorcycle instructor course in the morning. Yes, Father's Day was a bit of a bust. I digress. I learned a lesson this weekend and even though some may criticize me for it here it is all laid out.

In the message she talked about loving other people and the best way to experience God's love was to love other people. In that she quoted 1 Corinthians 13:1-8. She said that if we read it all the time that we would be less apt to mess up and be the people that God wanted us to be and I think that she is right. We HAVE to love other people, and be of service to them. I have been coming to this conclusion here lately with a NEED to want to do for other people. I don't really know what God is calling me to do in regards to this helping people need that I have, but I sure do know that I have been selfish and I am selfish in my own life I know this because there is a nagging in my head when I am being selfish.

I think where I need to start is with my family.

I am not a busy person but I always claim to be when it comes to my son. I always have "something" to do. It's never important just "something" that I have to do. Let's be real here, I don't like playing cars....it's boring to me but I should play cars anyway because my son wants me to. I would rather clean the toilet than play cars....this is a problem and one that I am aware of and one that I need to change. Just get down and play with the darn cars.

This "thing" that has been pulling at me also played out very well last week. I am telling you God is sending me all the signs and I am paying very close attention lol.

Cristian wanted to play outside....there was nothing out there to play with and I was pooped. He asked me to play with him I said there is nothing out there to play with.....he goes outside...alone.....and he comes back with the tee ball stand, a foam basketball, and a bat. He says SEE MOMMA there is something to play out here basketball. Well I was caught now wasn't I? So I went out and played for about 10-15 minutes and he had a lot of fun. Now this is something that I have always done. Cristian and I played ALL the time, I would chase him around the house, up the stairs, down the stairs, and I would sing with him and then out of nowhere we got here to MASS and I have been selfish.

Going outside to play with my son is showing him love and it is also spending time with him as well. I don't have a small little boy for that long and I should stop being selfish with my time and give it to him first and foremost. I am not a perfect person and I don't claim to be but making time is something that I have fought with here because I tend to follow my husband and his "lazy" ways. I am not making an excuse it is just what I have done, I own it. I am coming to terms with the fact that my life is not about me and I need to give to the one person I promised to give to my son.

I need to take more time to stop and smell the roses and not worry so much about the chores that need to be done in the house and stop living by a schedule all the time and just go out there and play cars with my son. I do everything in my house...except for the dishes the my husband takes care of some of the time. More often than not it is me and working a full time job, making sure that my husband and I have lunch for the next day, the kiddo gets a bath, I get my workout in, the small chores get done, and I spend quality time with the family during the week is really hard. Finding the balance is HARD lol but I should sacrifice other things and not the time that my son wants with me because I will never get that back.

A few of my favorite things right now!

I have been thinking about ways to make this blog a bit more personal and I wanted to start doing my favorite things every once in awhile. I know we all have things that are "in" in our lives and then they are "out" just as fast

So here are a few of my favorite things at the moment.

Inferno by Dan Brown - I am loving this book. I am about 60 pages in but already there are twist turns and suspense. Dan Brown has gotten a lot of crap for the content that is in his books but the "controversy" surrounding the book are what makes the story that much better! He is a literary genius in my opinion and take his books for what they are a fun read!

Christian Dior Lip Glow - This stuff is amazing! I don't really do color on my lips and if I do it's either nude or glossy nothing PINK. I was listening to my favorite FL radio station 91.5 and Carmen Brown was talking about how she loved it because it gave her the perfect pink hue on her lips without having to guess and even though it is expensive it was worth it. That was the time that I was running my half marathon so it was my present for myself for not quitting during the race :)

Wen - This stuff is pricey too and I don't use it as suggested because while I spend money on things I am all about making that money stretch. I use it as a deep conditioner 1-2 times a week. If I use it every day it makes my hair really limp and I have thin hair as it is and I don't need it to stick to my head any further lol.

Buti fitness and meal plans - I have been consistently trying new things and I am in love with this workout. I really like how I am able to feel feminine but also manage a great sweat. I think that I will get committed to this workout more when I am done Body Beast. I want to finish what I started with this program. I think I may combine this with Insanity........I never know lol I just bought the Buti meal plan, it is gluten free and dairy free it gave me a whole months worth of meals and I really liked that. I picked out a few things for my meal plan next week so I will keep you updated on what that is all about and hopefully I will remember to post pictures.

Dara Maclean - She is a Christian artist and I love her music. She has this soulful voice that is so soothing and it is great to sing along to, I usually have her sons "So Good" and "Suitcases" on repeat a few times before I let the rest of her album run through lol.

Good times!

I feel that since my "epic" 21 day reset I don't really have much to talk about but I guess maybe I will just be random.

I have been doing Body Beast, I am on week 5 I am taking my time with it if I skip a day I just do the workout the next day. I have never missed more than 1 workout per week so I am a few days behind but I am okay with that. I am working with my body not the calendar.

I haven't measured or taken any pictures. I am not in it for a transformation so to speak but I do have my after Reset pictures that I will use as my Day 1 since I started it then and will just take after pictures so I can get my sweet T-Shirt in the mail for completing the challenge :) I am all about those free t-shirts!

My diet has been havoc since completing the Reset, I have drank more than I would like to admit, I have eaten like a pregnant woman, and I am slowly getting back into the swing of how things used to be. I felt like that kid that moved out of their parents super strict house and was set FREE! LOL It was clearly too strict of a regimen for me.

I have also picked up running a few days a week which I enjoy. Body Beast is awesome but I am all about keeping my heart healthy too, so I put in a few miles mostly on the weekends and that seriously brings my stress levels WAY down! I also started this Squataggeddon Challenge in my office where we started with 50 squats and will end up doing 300 by the end of the month which is pretty cool. I only do Body Beast and the Squats every day when I am feeling like I have a lot of energy to burn I run and sometimes I do this work out called Buti!

Buti is SO fun and if you are wanting to feel feminine than this is the workout that you need! I know that I am a Beachbody Coach but this is one workout that Beachbody needs in their library lol. I like to do other things than Beachbody stuff and I want to show that here. I am not a robot for them or anything, I really enjoy their workouts and helping people achieve the best them possible but sometimes I need to walk away from the workouts to experience other things in addition to missing them. Anyway back to Buti!

It was created by this awesome chicky Bizzie Gold! She used to be a fitness competitor and did Crossfit and was a Yoga lover. After she had her daughter she decided to put her own spin on a workout and Buti was born. It is a pretty greta mix of dancing, plyometric circuits, and some yoga stretches in between. The workout is tough will lean you out and make you sweat! There are free downloads on Vimeo and you can stream it off of YouTube, There are three on there that you can use so that's 5 total that you can bust a move too. I love it and here is a sample......


That's pretty much what's going on in my life fitness wise. Tomorrow I will post some pictures of our trip to the zoo.