A piece of me......Part 1

I often go back and recall how in a few simple months my life took a turn for the best and reflect on the things that weren’t so great and how I got to live the best life for me. I never forget my struggles because they opened the door to who I am now.

You see I had this problem, I was abused as a kid physically which led to a marriage where violence and name calling was the answer to be heard. I lived in a family that didn’t speak about emotions; anger was the only thing to show. I didn’t understand love, or understand the fact that I could talk about how I felt, or that I had a voice that could be heard.

I grew up in a strict household with parents that were raised strict themselves. That bled onto their parenting style and it kind of is in me too. I prefer to think that I took the things that I liked and made them mine in my own way. I “ran” away from home and went into the military life; it was kind of like living with my parents. I had a home, they fed me, they gave me an allowance, the difference was, I had freedom to do whatever I wanted. Since I wasn’t taught what to do with that freedom I went FREE, totally absolutely free. I made mistakes but didn’t learn from them and kept making them not realizing they were mistakes.

I met him, the one that I thought was the “love of my life”. We went into a whirlwind romance. It was long distance, when we saw each other it was lustful and we went with it. We got married after being together for three short months. My Dad warned me about getting married too soon but I knew what I was doing and no one could tell me otherwise. Had I not been in the military about to be deployed we never would have did it. Oh we thought we were in love but boy was I wrong. We had NO clue what that meant. For me, I can say that I didn’t really know how to love or even had a clue as to what that meant. I fell in love later but I was totally in lust in the beginning. We married, had a baby, realized we were too young, and tried to make it work and were resentful that it didn’t and we didn’t want to get out but we did and didn’t know how. It was the end and the last year was an ugly one. One year that I prefer to leave in the past but, I know that it is a true part of me and molded me into the woman that I am today.

I left that relationship knowing better who I didn’t want to be than who I wanted to be as a woman. I fell down a slope of drinking and being someone that I grew to be comfortable with. I was the drinking, partying, flirting woman that just brushed everything under the rug and kept moving forward. I didn’t solve anything I just drank it all away and never dealt with it. It was what it was, it happened for a reason and that was that. I was broken and unable to speak of my true feelings because I didn’t really know how but my pain was uncovered after several drinks of the bottle.

I met my friend…..my best friend….the one who I never saw as more than a friend but the one that would be my husband one day. The man that would show me love and allow me to fly free while waiting there until I came back to him. At the time that is all he was, my friend. He went through every single piece of my divorce and saw everything that I did to cope with just giving up 7 years of my life.   He saw the good, the bad, and the ugly. I can assure you that there was WAY A LOT MUCHO UGLY. Through all of that mess he saw ME. The person that I really am, the one who I am today. He tells me that he had a crush on me the day that we met and that he fell in love with me through our friendship but respected my demented marriage enough to keep his hands, thoughts, and feelings to himself because he knew that one day I would be his........ (To be continued....)

(To be continued)