My life is unlike others because it is mine. No one knows what is going on in my head and the closest that anyone has and ever will be to me are a few close friends and my husband and children.
I have thought about this post for a few days now and I was thinking well....how can I say this without that and what not but here it goes.
I just finished my last class for my Bachelors Degree and I am a second time college graduate! I mean how amazing is that? It is something that a few years ago I really truly only dreamed of.
I grew up in a childhood where my Dad was the bread winner and my Mom stayed at home with us while we were going to school. My Fathers side of the family had all gone to college and were very successful, my Mothers side of the family...well not so much. We now have a few high school and college graduates but not like my Dad's side. I knew that college was something that we couldn't afford and I didn't know anything about financial aid so I went to the Army but I had wanted to do that because my Dad and Brother were in the military and I wanted to be like them. I waited until I was in 11th grade signed up and bam 2 weeks after I graduated I was off to boot camp. College wasn't an option for me because I didn't care about it because I couldn't afford it and didn't really see the value in it. I later got out of the military and my ex and I were pregnant and lived with both of our parents and I ended up going to college until he decided that he was going to get into the Army and off to Germany we went. Online school wasn't really so much of a big deal back then and University Of Phoenix was around but it seemed fake but they are the pioneers in online school now. Any how I gave college up went to work odd and end jobs then stayed at home with our son B. To make a long story short we were broke as HELL and we could barley keep our head above water and there were so many things that as I grew up I knew I wanted but couldn't have them because we couldn't afford it. On that list was being a Personal Trainer, getting my degree in criminal justice and getting a D-SLR camera. They didn't all happen at the same time often times I would revisit the ideas and then let them go. My ex-husband didn't tell me NO but he didn't really support the fact that I wanted to do something with myself either.
Fast forward.......I got divorced and I was in the Coast Guard. I became empowered by the fact that I was divorced and no one can no longer tell me NO. I had lost myself in my previous marriage and I needed to do something so I got all of these titles. I became a personal trainer like I always wanted to but never did anything with it, I got my Associates degree and signed up for my Bachelors Degree and now those are done and I initially did it for Officer Candidate School that I no longer have the desire to attend, I became certified in nutrition so I could have credentials and I did get my D-SLR thank to my Rockstar AMAZING Hubs and now I am learning how to master the art of photography. My point is I have spent the past 4 years trying to prove that I could do all of these things and now that I know that I can I don't really know where to go from here..........
I have goals but they aren't ME. I am left thinking now what do I REALLY want for ME. Where am I going to go from here and what does the Man Upstairs really have planned for me because I am done proving that I can to those people that frankly don't care what I do.
Right now I know that I do not want to be tied down by schedules and deadlines and I just want to have fun with my family and that is what I shall do, for now. I need to get some deep thought and some things are becoming clear.
- I don't want to follow a workout routine. I will workout everyday but to what I feel like working out too 5-6 days a week.
- I want to study to make the next rank in my career.
- I am comfortable with my body and I like it exactly where it is.
- I love my family and I can't wait to have fun with them.
- I want to explore my photography more.
Maybe for right now that is all I need......maybe it is time for me to take it slow and not think too much into what's next and just go with the voice in my head that shows me what I want to do at a given time.
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