Insanity.......

SO! I remember posting a few days ago that I gained weight and inches in my upper things. I have a pear shaped body and most of my fat goes in the rear end hips and thighs. Tummy is the second place that all of that crap goes.

I noticed it happening because my shorts were fitting CRAZY tight around my legs. Once upon a time ago I hated the thought of wearing shorts and for that reason alone I got so excited when shorts didn't hug my thighs :) I don't want to buy new clothes, I want to wear the ones that I already have because I spent REALLY good money on my clothes and buying a bigger size than I normally wear for me is being okay with getting bigger and if I go there than I am just going to keep letting these little things compound right?

I just want to make it clear that I don't really care about how much I weigh, I sincerely care about my clothes fitting me and not having to buy a bigger size. Now don't get me wrong I am not a one size fits size. I have to buy a medium sometimes to get a better fit and that is okay with me I just don't want to be the bigger size ALL the time. I understand vanity sizing and all that marketing bologna but I can't stress enough I don't want to get bigger because I was already THERE.

I knew that Body Beast and the way that I was eating was not enough for me or maybe I was truly bulking and that's okay but my thighs got bigger and that is not something I want to compromise LOL. If you are a girl reading this I hope you understand lol.

This is where I started. THIS is where my journey began and THIS is NOT me. My weight doesn't define me but my confidence does and THIS girl is not confident. THIS girl had issues with her body, with her mind and she was scorned and in pain. This picture shows a girl who at that very moment decided to make a change in her life. SHE was going to be healthy and she was going to look like she once had before because she always said that kids will not stop her from having what she wanted.

Little did I know that I would be here today standing tall and confident and in love with who I am as a person inside and out. I am healthy and I LOVE that what I feel on the inside is showing on the outside. I am taking care of myself in more ways than one. This was me then and I want to stay where I am now and grow into a more loving and wiser person than I am today I want to keep moving forward and not looking back.

My thighs not fitting into those shorts while it may seem vain and insecure or whatever negative thoughts one would think it truly showed me that I was reverting into a life that I don't want to see again. It may have been my thighs but I was eating poorly, drinking a lot more than a glass or two of wine and it was not going to church. I was sliding backwards in all areas of my life and my body was telling me otherwise. So I started changing things.

I wake up early and pray to God and thank Him for all He has done. I workout and I am now currently doing Insanity and I am in LOVE with it! I also eat better I am writing down what I eat to keep accountable and I am doing my Bible Study and Bible reading everyday.

It is a great Bible study if you are interested in it. There is SO much I want to blog about in the coming days and I am glad that I am off work so that I can share with you all! I can't wait!!!

Love......?

Love.......

It's been playing a huge part in my life since Sunday......I was thinking about it last night and maybe it is a word that should be used more often. Sometimes we know that we love people and we don't say it. I know I have held back from telling people that I love them because it is too soon or we are just friends and that’s just weird. Maybe it is a word that we can throw around a little bit more freely.

In 1 Cor 13: 1-8 it talks so much about love and it is something that we have in our hearts. Love teaches us many things and through love more things are possible. That's what I see anyway.

I was running yesterday and all I could think about was this message from Joyce and wondering why the heck it struck me so much. I think it did because LOVE is what is happening in my life right now. It's in the love of friends and family.

I have a son with my ex-husband who now lives with him and his new wife. At first this was hard for me, not because he has moved on but because my son was going to be influenced by a woman whom I had NO idea who she was. Then, I got the heartbreaking news that he started to call her Mom......that stung really bad and I held resentment towards her because of it and it only increased my anger at my ex for allowing this! I was appalled and disgusted and super super angry. I was also at a point in my life where everything made me angry and I had not accepted God into my heart yet, I was this torn, ugly, rude, ridiculous person that I don't even recognize today.

So, needless to say that over time I got over it and we met one day (can we say awkward!) but I cried like a big fat baby and told her that I was once upset about it but I thanked her for loving my son and appreciated all the she has done for him. This is where things started......she was building a relationship with my parents and my sister and now we are building one ourselves. Things are changing in my life.

Where I once thought that the families should be divided because my ex and I were. Now I realize that it doesn't need to be that way and we can all be nice and loving toward one another. That doesn't mean that we are all going to be best friends but we all respect each other enough to know our places and can all come together because we ALL LOVE my son. Through him we will all learn to love each other and that makes me smile.  To know that we are not "normal" and that we are happy and we can come together for the love that we all share for this child is amazing and I am proud to say that they are all my family too. Love is a powerful thing SO powerful if you just learn to let go and use it more freely, I now have a bigger bunch of people to call family which I accept with open arms. The road that was traveled to get here was not easy (I can only speak for myself). It was hard to accept and not at all easy to forgive and forget the past to start over. I did it with the help of my God, the one who is leading the way in my life that I am slowly letting go of and giving to Him.

Love has the power to conquer anything and through God there is love. So much you seriously won't know what to do with it. Positivity comes from it and you will exude a light that only God can give you. He is LOVE!

Thank you Jesus for the life that you have blessed me with and seeing me through it and silently affirming that it will all be okay. I knew through you that this day would come and I am so thankful for it! Praises to my God!

My little revelation......

Yesterday I was listening to Joyce Meyer on my computer because I didn't go to church. I had to work yesterday afternoon and my husband had to finish his motorcycle instructor course in the morning. Yes, Father's Day was a bit of a bust. I digress. I learned a lesson this weekend and even though some may criticize me for it here it is all laid out.

In the message she talked about loving other people and the best way to experience God's love was to love other people. In that she quoted 1 Corinthians 13:1-8. She said that if we read it all the time that we would be less apt to mess up and be the people that God wanted us to be and I think that she is right. We HAVE to love other people, and be of service to them. I have been coming to this conclusion here lately with a NEED to want to do for other people. I don't really know what God is calling me to do in regards to this helping people need that I have, but I sure do know that I have been selfish and I am selfish in my own life I know this because there is a nagging in my head when I am being selfish.

I think where I need to start is with my family.

I am not a busy person but I always claim to be when it comes to my son. I always have "something" to do. It's never important just "something" that I have to do. Let's be real here, I don't like playing cars....it's boring to me but I should play cars anyway because my son wants me to. I would rather clean the toilet than play cars....this is a problem and one that I am aware of and one that I need to change. Just get down and play with the darn cars.

This "thing" that has been pulling at me also played out very well last week. I am telling you God is sending me all the signs and I am paying very close attention lol.

Cristian wanted to play outside....there was nothing out there to play with and I was pooped. He asked me to play with him I said there is nothing out there to play with.....he goes outside...alone.....and he comes back with the tee ball stand, a foam basketball, and a bat. He says SEE MOMMA there is something to play out here basketball. Well I was caught now wasn't I? So I went out and played for about 10-15 minutes and he had a lot of fun. Now this is something that I have always done. Cristian and I played ALL the time, I would chase him around the house, up the stairs, down the stairs, and I would sing with him and then out of nowhere we got here to MASS and I have been selfish.

Going outside to play with my son is showing him love and it is also spending time with him as well. I don't have a small little boy for that long and I should stop being selfish with my time and give it to him first and foremost. I am not a perfect person and I don't claim to be but making time is something that I have fought with here because I tend to follow my husband and his "lazy" ways. I am not making an excuse it is just what I have done, I own it. I am coming to terms with the fact that my life is not about me and I need to give to the one person I promised to give to my son.

I need to take more time to stop and smell the roses and not worry so much about the chores that need to be done in the house and stop living by a schedule all the time and just go out there and play cars with my son. I do everything in my house...except for the dishes the my husband takes care of some of the time. More often than not it is me and working a full time job, making sure that my husband and I have lunch for the next day, the kiddo gets a bath, I get my workout in, the small chores get done, and I spend quality time with the family during the week is really hard. Finding the balance is HARD lol but I should sacrifice other things and not the time that my son wants with me because I will never get that back.

Hurricane Sandy and my 5K pictures

Well since I live in he Cape Cod/Boston area we were advised to take today off. Well work gave us the day off but my husband had to go into work and it is pretty boring. I am not going to run today since it is disgusting out, but I did my Pump and it was great to get some muscle failure work in there. I really like the program but I am bummed that I am starting Week 3 over again but it's all good they are 20 and 30 minute workouts :) 

So my day was pretty un-eventful. I have been home all day, I danced with my kiddo to some Adele. I edited some pictures for a friend of mine. She got not so great newborn shots so I wanted to take a stab at editing some of them so that killed some time. I read the Bible, listened to some Joyce Meyer and studied the references that she made in her speaking. I also did flash cards with my kiddo we made a game out of it and I found some of my running pictures online. I have to say that I look like utter doggy poo running but for my sake I am going to keep it as I didn't sleep well the night before and truthfully I didn't. So here you go some pictures of my run yesterday. :) Next time I will throw on some make up ha ha ha ha! 

I hope you all have a wonderful day! I think I am going to go watch Hart of Dixie. Anyone else watch that show? It is slowly turning into my guilty pleasure :D 

Forgiveness

Well today I didn't go to church I decided to stay home because the traffic at the Cape was going to be crazy long and I didn't want to spend a few hours commuting back and forth to church so church at home it was. I was listening to Joyce Meyer this morning. I am doing one of her devotionals on my Bible App on my iPad and I was flipping through channels before that and I caught her Battlefield of the Mind Series. I recorded it but later watched it on my ipad as well to get an hour of His Word and teaching this morning. 

 My past isn't something of glamor for a period of my life. I was married to someone and he hurt me physically, emotionally, and verbally. Don't you feel bad for me because I was no saint in that marriage either. Back to the point, I walked away from that marriage defeated, exhausted, and ANGRY. Oh man was I am angry ugly ugly human being. I got into counseling and that helped me to a degree but I needed more so long story short to a few months ago when I was talking to my Senior Chief about how I was doing. We got into the topic of B and I broke down and started crying and the angry ugly Jeannette came out (I was trying to walk in my walk with God so I was a "baby" again). I came out and my Senior Chief told me that I needed to forgive him. HA NO FREAKING WAY HE HURT ME, HE TOOK B AWAY FROM ME, HE ABUUUUUSED ME! ME ME ME ME ME! Here I am married to another man with another child and still living through those dark years of my life. I didn't know how to forgive I didn't know what spiritually that MEANT. Ok I can say I forgive him Jesus can we be done yet? (NOPE) 

 This is the part that I was missing......it wasn't about him the bad one, the mean one. It was about me being able to move on and that is what I learned today. I remember driving home from work a few days after I talked to my Senior Chief....God please help me understand what this forgiveness thing is all about because I have no clue. I am so MAD, it was so UGLY. How do I forgive someone that tormented my brain for so many years? Does it mean that I have to talk to him again? WHAT on Earth does that mean? He didn't even say SORRY! I was the bad guy, I was the one who was a bad Mom etc. etc. Low and behold guess what? I got a phone call a few months later right before I moved and it was HIM the evil one, the one that was so mean to ME. He told me that he did things that were not right in our marriage and that he will always care for me because I am B's Mother, and that he was sorry and it was tormenting him too and he was happy but couldn't move on. 

Here we are miles and miles away from each other probably going through the same things in our mind.......it's amazing how he works and how he gave me everything that I wanted and how today I am able to close the chapter and how the anger is just GONE I swear it's disappeared......Life is truly a blessing and it is better to be happy in your walk on this Earth along side God but also to forgive!