Forgiveness

Well today I didn't go to church I decided to stay home because the traffic at the Cape was going to be crazy long and I didn't want to spend a few hours commuting back and forth to church so church at home it was. I was listening to Joyce Meyer this morning. I am doing one of her devotionals on my Bible App on my iPad and I was flipping through channels before that and I caught her Battlefield of the Mind Series. I recorded it but later watched it on my ipad as well to get an hour of His Word and teaching this morning. 

 My past isn't something of glamor for a period of my life. I was married to someone and he hurt me physically, emotionally, and verbally. Don't you feel bad for me because I was no saint in that marriage either. Back to the point, I walked away from that marriage defeated, exhausted, and ANGRY. Oh man was I am angry ugly ugly human being. I got into counseling and that helped me to a degree but I needed more so long story short to a few months ago when I was talking to my Senior Chief about how I was doing. We got into the topic of B and I broke down and started crying and the angry ugly Jeannette came out (I was trying to walk in my walk with God so I was a "baby" again). I came out and my Senior Chief told me that I needed to forgive him. HA NO FREAKING WAY HE HURT ME, HE TOOK B AWAY FROM ME, HE ABUUUUUSED ME! ME ME ME ME ME! Here I am married to another man with another child and still living through those dark years of my life. I didn't know how to forgive I didn't know what spiritually that MEANT. Ok I can say I forgive him Jesus can we be done yet? (NOPE) 

 This is the part that I was missing......it wasn't about him the bad one, the mean one. It was about me being able to move on and that is what I learned today. I remember driving home from work a few days after I talked to my Senior Chief....God please help me understand what this forgiveness thing is all about because I have no clue. I am so MAD, it was so UGLY. How do I forgive someone that tormented my brain for so many years? Does it mean that I have to talk to him again? WHAT on Earth does that mean? He didn't even say SORRY! I was the bad guy, I was the one who was a bad Mom etc. etc. Low and behold guess what? I got a phone call a few months later right before I moved and it was HIM the evil one, the one that was so mean to ME. He told me that he did things that were not right in our marriage and that he will always care for me because I am B's Mother, and that he was sorry and it was tormenting him too and he was happy but couldn't move on. 

Here we are miles and miles away from each other probably going through the same things in our mind.......it's amazing how he works and how he gave me everything that I wanted and how today I am able to close the chapter and how the anger is just GONE I swear it's disappeared......Life is truly a blessing and it is better to be happy in your walk on this Earth along side God but also to forgive!